haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
