sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
