a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
