my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dignity is for republicans.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I supernannyed him into submission
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
