Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
