Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
