I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
