yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
