Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
