everyone is single if you try hard enough
I should be sponsored by Trojan
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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