remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
