Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
