i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
