:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
