I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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