My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
