there was a trapeze. enough said
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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