i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
