11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
