I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
