listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
