My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
