She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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