We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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