Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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