I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
