Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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