omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
