I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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