well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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