i just had sex bonerless
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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