Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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