just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Even my vagina gasped.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
