i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
