Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
