Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
areolas are like halos for boobs.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
