Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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