i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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