just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
