Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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