I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
