Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
