she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
