did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
