I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
