Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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