a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
