before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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