so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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