Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
porn star boner night. come get it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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